Quick Side Note...

I added a link to Cate's blog, German Jungle, on the side of the page. She's a dear friend of mine whom I've known for more than a decade, and a missionary. The link is right under Dan and Diedra's blog, (DanDeeLines), on my list of links.

Writer's Block Sucks, but Poetry is Fun

I've reached a point where I start feeling depressed when I can't think of anything to write here. This is mainly because I've made a commitment to trying to write at least one post a day. I'm afraid that, if I stop, I'll not start up again. Or, that I'll forever stagger in posting.

I've got a bunch of errands I need to run in the morning, and it is late. I'm feeling really twitchy, too. I switched from regular Dr. Pepper to Diet Dr. Pepper a year or two ago. Now, I'm begining to think about cutting out on it altogether because I've noticed it is keeping me up at night. I need an alternative though. I would consider water, but it's muy expensive. Why should I pay $1 for a small bottle of water when I could, theoretically, fill up a thermos from my sink each day and be equally quenched (and for like 1/100th of the price)? The problem with the thermos idea is that I don't have a thermos (I have a mild phobia of actual thermos's after one I had in the 4th grade broke, and I almost drank glass). I could find an alternative to the thermos, but I also wouldn't know where I would fill it up again at. The sink in our office sucks.

My cat just gave me the "Kelly, don't forget it's time to sleep" look. So, I guess I will run after posting a rather mediocre entry. I'll have more time to post tomorrow night since it will be a Friday. Also, knowing me, I'll suddenly have an inspiration in the middle of the night or tomorrow afternoon.

As I do once in awhile,
tonight I submit,
with a smile,
the contents of a past work of art

that resurrected tonight by me
was changed irrevocably
a verse was snipped
the purpose changed

and now the piece of art
that remains I proudly call mine

guten Nacht, Enjoy it (or not) below :

Stirring to the Beach Tonight

Stirring to the beach tonight,
I hear the breathing of the sea
wooing me with it's mellow breeze.
"Come to me", it calls, and then
I feel compelled to stand and walk
lazily along the windswept tops
of dunes. With eroding tracks behind me
I sink my toes into the frothy sands.

The gentle lapping, those lonesome notes,
are beating in my head in droves.
They call to me. They're calling me.
The spell of music has enchanted
my mind, my blood; my body.
Staring up, the nighttime sky
irradiates my darkened eyes.
My heart beats. My eyes glaze. My ears deafen.

The morning chill on my skin is bold
Too long now I've been alone.
The wind's slow song is enchanting me
The starry skies bedazzle me.
The nightime chill is numbing me.
Still I can not find the will to heed
and walk alone into the choppy sea.

- Kelly

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.1 John 3:18

We had both gotten the little Portuguese we knew mixed with Spanish, and when you do that you are in a bad fix, and when Julia Lake and Eugene can't say what they want to say any time, anywhere, in a hurry, they are in a bad fix - and they were! We were feeling homesick, knowing that within a few hours we would be flying still farther away from home, so we decided to take a walk on a side road which more nearly suited our mood than the noisy thoroughfare. Across the narrow street a friendly girl smiled at us. Then she came toward us and stopped directly in our pathway.

"Hello," she said.

"Hello, child," we replied. "It's good to hear a word of English."

"Yes, I speak English, but do you know Jesus?"

"Why, of course we know Jesus! He is our best friend."

"I thought you looked like you knew Jesus. He's my best Friend, too."

- Doctor of the Happy Landings by Julia Lake and Eugene Kellersberger (p. 96)

I love quoting them here. I've been making my way through this book slowly. One chapter at a time usually. They were on a trip around the world to survey lepor colonies, and each chapter is one step in that trip. I can digest one chapter far more easily that several, and the book becomes an almost daily inspiration this way.
I've grown up hearing stories like these. I've grown up hearing the stories of how Christ is the best friend as well as savior to those who follow Him. It's easy to become disconnected with the reality of that truth. People talk about accountability (a scary sounding word) and the need to be "truly" repentive instead of the friendship Christ offers because so many people have now heard about His love and friendship that movies are cracking jokes about "Buddy Christ". (see Dogma for the joke I am referring to) This is because we have lost touch with the reality of the love Christ offers.

We have had people going out so long into the world, and saying, "Jesus just wants to love you, and be your friend" that the word "love" now seems to lack its meaning when Christ is involved. (and when He is not, too) I've heard many say, and I myself have believed so often in the past, that the message of the cross should be presented carefully with "respect" for other's opinions so that it would not be too confrontational since it just doesn't seem like we can love and confront at the same time. I adhered to that philosophy myself because it was easy. In reality though, I eventually realized that I could never reconcile it with the truth: The message of the cross is confrontational! In order to understand the message of the cross, one must understand that they have sinned and are sinful. This is at the very heart of being confrontational. Would you not feel confronted if someone walked up to you and said, "You did a bad thing!"? Paul says,

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate." [Isaiah 29:14]

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

1 Corinthians 1:18-25

I love how this meeting between two travelors and a little girl is like the whispering of a special code : "oh, you follow Christ? Me too." I can almost picture a little girl standing on the sidewalk before two complete and total strangers, possibly fidgeting just a little and with her hands behind her back, as she proudly proclaims her affiliation to the Savior. And, the way in which God chose to provide that camaraderie in a foreign land at a time when these two people were feeling blue is just another example of his perfect timing in every little detail of our lives.

In 1 John 3, 4, and 5, the bible talks about how we can recognize each other by our obedience to Christ, our love for Christ, and our love for each other. This story exemplifies that.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

- Romans 8:28

This could of been a sad sad day...

As the title says, this could of been a sad sad day in Kelly's world if he still played this game. (In case you don't want to click on the link, it's an MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) called Shadowbane) Why is it not a sad sad day? Because, I escaped that particular addiction over two years ago, and I feel great.

For those that might not understand, this game once had me playing almost 24 hours a day. I would almost never sleep, and I would post on the shadowbane boards when I wasn't actually able to play the game (I was such a board troll). I played for around 6 months to a year before external and internal circumstances caused me to quit. They recently made the game free to play, and several people I know started playing it again. When they told me I should return, I almost couldn't laugh hard enough. I didn't just say, "no", I said, "Hell no!"

It amazes me sometimes how much my life hinged at one time upon that game. It's an ever present warning to me that I should never get into another like it again. When you get too deep into the social enviroment of these MMORPG's, you tend to forget to do things like : Go to work, eat, sleep, have non-imaginary friends, etc. It doesn't happen to everybody, but for the person who is fully imersed in the experience, it is almost a requirement. For Shadowbane, this was/is especially so. The game was set up as a world truely ruled by the players. You would collect a guild around you and build a city. That city would have fortifications. Eventually, you could bind into a nation with others around you. (I was part of one of the larger of these at one point, and designed, along with a couple of my friends, a merchant city whose name is probably still legendary) Cities and nations could and would go to war. You could loose everything except your character itself. (There were ways to make a person pretty much loose that, too. They mostly involved a lot of griefing) Your armor would wear down during battle and require repair. Your cities required constant funds for upkeep or else they would wear down and collapse. If you were to figure the percentage of the map (past the newbie island) in which you could roam and not be at serious risk of having another player randomly kill you, it would probably be less than 5%. The game was, and still is, in my opinion, extremely well done.

That's why it frightens me so much. I've played Everquest before (a long long long time ago), and I've played Asheron's Call (also a long long time ago). I've goofed around with a free game called Planeshift, and, more recently, I've played Guild Wars, too. None of them compared to Shadowbane for pure addictive factor. I loved playing it. In the same way that I can not allow myself to smoke cigarettes ever again, I can never play Shadowbane again.

Of course, the plus side is that, whenever they shut down the servers (and they always do eventually), I will not have that temptation again. :) That's a little easier than quitting smoking. The horrible truth though, is that after three years of existance, some people are going to have to come crawling out of this dog eat dog fantasy world and back into reality again.

"Whatever you get into, gets into you. And whatever gets into you, controls you."

- Rich Mullins

3 days (and someodd hours) until baseball season begins.

An Overload of Scripture

I mentioned in my posting last night the story of my mother's fiance before she met my dad. I asked her to come and comment on that posting with details (since I couldn't remember them entirely). Her comments are listed among the others for it. She points out the circumstances of his death, but stops short of listing it as murder outright. I asked her about this since I have always believed it undoubtably a murder. Apparently, it was never officially a "murder." Rather, it was a really strong suspicion of such. I want to make sure that I speak as truthfully as I can, even when it seems to blunt my words last night, and so there you have the truth. (her comments are really cool to read, by the way.)

So, now that I have admitted my blunder, onwards!

Someone anonymously commented on the topic of listening for God's voice. People talk a lot of time about learning the will of God from his word. I think that some people believe that that is the only way it can be known to us. I don't think so. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit in even these last days. I am not always sure what that means though, and, most frightening, I am very bewildered at times on how to listen for his voice. "Anonymous" posted on that topic, and I think I have found some scripture which, to me, seems relevant to the topic :

Then the LORD called Samuel.
Samuel answered, "Here I am." And he ran to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."
But Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down." So he went and lay down.

Again the LORD called, "Samuel!" And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."
"My son," Eli said, "I did not call; go back and lie down."

Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD : The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.

The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me."

Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.' " So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!"
Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening."

1 Samuel 3:4-10

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:13-14
And these are but the outer fringe of his works;
how faint the whisper we hear of him!
Who then can understand the thunder of his power?"

Job 26:14

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37:7

"Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still.
Selah

Psalm 4:4

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

1 Kings 19:11-13

I really feel like just isolating myself to quoting scripture tonight (for the most part). This is a topic that always enthralls me, and I always find that the scripture does it justice where I would undoubtably fail.

So, here's some more scripture that happens to be related as well :

If it were his intention
and he withdrew his spirit and breath,

all mankind would perish together
and man would return to the dust.

Job 34:14-15

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

1 Corinthians 6:15-20

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,

Ephesians 1:13

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:29-32

"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."

Luke 12:11-12

"But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. This will result in your being witnesses to them. But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. All men will hate you because of me.

Luke 21:12-17

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

John 14:15-21

"All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:25-27

A Sobering Story of Unlikely Facts

This is an interesting news article about apostacy and inter-religious marriage. I find it astonishing, considering the animosity between religions, that two people of different religious faiths will, apparently, marry so often.

Before my mother met my father, she was engaged to someone else. The man was of middle eastern background. (I would offer more details, but it is late at night, my mom is probably asleep, and I do not remember them) According to her, he was a bit of a celebrity. He was also a christian. Undoubtably converted. Before they were to wed, he went home to visit his family. He never came back. He was killed for becoming a christian, and for the social stigma it had brought upon his family. Most likely he was killed by his family. The essential elements of that story have always stuck with me because, if he had not been murdered, I would not exist. Something horrible was caused to happen before it would be possible for my mom to meet my dad, and for me to come into being: A man died for his faith in Christ.

When I think about that, I am humbled. Maybe that's why the story of Abdul Rahman, the christian convert in Afghanistan who has apparently now been released from prison, resonates with me. We all like to think nice pretty, fluffy things about God's Plan, but, frankly, God has a way of allowing crazy bad things that end up resulting in unexpected good things. (At least, I like to imagine I'm a good thing... :-P ) We don't always see the results either. In fact, most of the time, I would say we don't have any clue at all how the bad things that happen to us (or around us) figure into the overall plan of God Almighty.

I've posted a lot about my family on here. I've been reading some books on a couple of them lately, and it's been connecting a lot of things in my past for me. I never really paid much attention to this stuff growing up, or else I would be different now. And, that is the kind of thing which blows my mind. How finely tuned is God's plan for all of us!

Several years ago, on a bright sunny morning, a couple of friends of mine called me up, and asked me to go out to the ranch that the parents of one of them owned. I was eager to go. Our plan was to go out there and basically goof off and drink. From the very begining, this was a stupid plan!! So, we went out there, and we fired off some guns, we drank some beer (see how stupid this plan was?), and then we finished all the beer we had. Of course, being the complete morons that we were, we then prompty hopped in my buddy's car (a four door honda, probably an accord), and drove to the next county over (my friend's ranch was in Jacksboro, and it was dry) to get more beer. I don't know if I will ever forget this stupid day. As we drove back to the ranch, we were quite decently drunk. Maybe that had something to do with the 4 foot deep ditch that decided it wanted to be our friend. (more appropiatly, not our friend...) Our friend at about 60 mph. (doh!) We were very blessed in the aftermath. The deputy sheriff of Jacksboro lived about 200 yards from where we ditched. He was outside playing with his grandkid and came racing over (after calling for an ambulance).

It seemed like we would all walk mostly away from that wreck. My friend, who was driving and whose parents owned the ranch, had a 4 inch gash on his forhead that was bleeding quite profusely. I had a solid black eye from hitting the back of the seat in front of me. The other friend of mine, who was sitting in front of me, seemed perfectly unharmed. (He always had a knack for that...) The minutes imediatly following that seem like both a blur and an eternity in my mind. Our first thought was to throw the beer, which we had just bought and had probably drank half of on the way from buying, out of sight. Our second thought was to abandon our first thought because we noticed our driver was bleeding profusely. That beer was last seen (by me) on the hood of the car as it dangled over the edge of the ditch. I am very grateful for the kindness shown by the deputy sheriff when he showed up. There's no way he missed the alcohol, but he focused entirely on us and our well being. As we were waiting with him for the ambulance and he was trying to keep our bleeding friend from bleeding too much, my other friend suddenly started going into convulsions!! (According to what he later told me (and I could never really trust anything he ever told me), he had a "plastic tube" in his throat that had become dislodged. Once again, I could never trust him, so I'm still wondering a little bit exactly what caused these convulsions) When the ambulance arrived, it ended up taking both of my friends to the hospital. I was left behind, still somewhat intoxicated (although the adrenaline really helps kill the buzz), with the cops at the crash scene. The deputy sheriff later took me to join my friends. I can't forget the "Bad Cop, No Donut!" bumper sticker he had on his dashboard. He told me it was a gift from his son (or was it his nephew...? I'm a little fuzzy on that particular). My friend who was driving was never quite the same after that. In fact, I stopped hanging out with him because of how peculiar he became. They charged him with reckless driving. He didn't have enough alcohol in his system by the time they got around to testing him for them to charge him with anything more. My other friend and myself never got charged with anything. (Not even a ticket...)

There was an interesting fact which I was later told though, that prompted me to tell this story here tonight. My friend who was driving had taken the headrest cushions off of the seats in his car. He thought it was cooler that way or something. I got my black eye from hitting one of the nubs that those head cushions fit into in fact. What I was told was this : because of the way that my friend (the driver) and I were bounced around that car (evidenced by my eye, and, yes, I was wearing a seatbelt), if those headrests had been there, our necks would have been snapped. Just thinking about how hard I hit that seat makes me believe that to be correct. How fortunate for me that that headrest was not there!! Do you think God had that saving grace planned all along? I don't doubt it.

Finely tuned is God's plan. I wouldn't be here if not for that tuning. I know some people would (or will) write all of this off to "coincidence". I don't believe in coincidence anymore. God Almighty is all powerful and sovereign, and is in charge of any one thing, every single thing, and all plural things.

Hallelujah

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.

Ephesians 1:3-12

My world viewit's how I see the worldit's how I look at youexcerpt from Audio Adrenaline's My World View

They're apparently dropping all charges and talking about releasing Abdul Rahman. The warden of the Policharki Prison, Gen. Shahmir Amirpur, mentioned that he was asking for a bible, and no one was giving him one.

As a further note of world wide craziness (and people call my writing needlessly dark sometime...hehe), has the Cold War ever really ended? Or, rather, did it just adopt a farce of peace to appease the minds of our citizens into apathy? Apparently, we now have reason to believe that Russia was giving intel to the Iraqi's prior to and during our invasion of Iraq. This is not suprising given that Russia, France, and, apparently, China all had a serious invested interest in Iraq before the war. (The link for the Russian, France, China involvement is probably not the best out there, but that story is a few years old. I didn't want to spend a lot of time digging it back out again...)

Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,' and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.

"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

Matthew 24:4-14

People have pointed out to me that my poem from a couple nights ago is fairly morbid. It is. It was inspired by the age we live in, and it is morbid.

I've been apprehensive of my future for probably about 15 or 16 years now. I guess before that, I never doubted that I would grow up, have a family, live a normal life. It was a traumatic shock for me when, around the age of 10 or 11 (I don't remember exactly when...), some "christian news journalist" on TV told me that the Beast was rising to power in three years. Can you imagine a child, just entering the begining of adolescence, being told that? Worse yet, believing it? It is now many years after that, but the effects on my life have been irreversible.

I have a picture hanging up in my room of an artist's rendition of what the rapture might look like. It serves well to remind me that all this strife that Christ said would come is only the begining of what will be the last days of suffering. There is something more amazing, his second coming, to look forward to :

"At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.

Matthew 24:30-31

I look forward to this happening. I'm not sure if that's a proper sentiment, but I do. I know a lot of people would say that they don't mind waiting so that we have the opportunity to share the gospel with more people. It doesn't exactly work that way, but I understand their point of view. The time which God sets for the return of His son will be the absolutely perfect time, and there will be absolutely no room for arguing in contrary to it.

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.

Matthew 24:36-42

So, how does all this relate to the little boy who lost all hope in having a life worth mentioning at the age of 10 or 11? Well, that little boy is now 28, and hoping that God has something useful for him to do. Everytime I've said that to someone, I've felt like I just jumped off of a ledge. I think no real ledge jumping will occur until/unless God gives him something to do.

It troubles me sometimes. How does a person know how they are supposed to serve God? I mean, what if His assignment for that person seems mediocre or, even worse, non-existant? This troubles me because I wonder what God has planned for me. I remind myself that it's all in His hands and that, if there is a plan for me to serve a purpose beyond the confines of this blog and interaction with friends, He will shut the doors and open all the windows necessary for me to find it. That doesn't keep me from wondering though. I feel sometimes like a child sitting in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. I'm eyeing the big packages, but nothing is labeled. So, I have to wait until the giver of the gifts hands them out at his discretion.

Then, I wonder what it'll be like if God does call me to something. I'm always hoping He will. I sometimes wonder if my own self worth is linked to whether or not I will be used. I know that's probably silly and immature, but it's true. So, I dream about being called and wonder if I will be able to know and follow plainly or if God will have to knock down all my fears first. I wonder what it was like for Abraham when God told him to get up and leave his homeland, his family, and everything he knew behind. It's a scary thing to imagine leaving behind the security of everything you know. It's still scary even when you know God is and will be making all of your mountains into valleys and plains.

It's not easy speculating about the future. It's also not really smart.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life

Matthew 6:27

I bring up the future because this is my blog, and I am wondering about these things. But, I don't really know what to think. I don't really know how to think about them. I feel sometimes like I am doing the same thing that Tevye, in Fiddler on the Roof, describes the Jews in his village, Anatevka, as doing: scraping out a meager existance while trying not to break their own necks. Like them, I am just walking on, struggling to consistently trust that the Lord's will will be done, and eagerly anticipating it.

"I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Matthew 18:18-20

I want to see the world through Jesus eyes
see through Jesus tears
I want to see the world through Jesus eyes
my vision's not as clear
I want to feel the world with the hands that made it
know the pain and appreciate it
hear their cries and hope to understand

Audio Adrenaline My World View

But you are in my heart, I can feel your beatAnd you move my mind from behind the wheelWhen I lose control, I can only breathe your name

- Sixpence None the Richer Breathe Your Name



I love Audio Adrenaline's song, "Rest Easy". I have, at various points in my life, called it the "perfect love song".

Rest easy
have no fear
I love you perfectly
love drives out fear
I'll take your burden
you take My grace
Rest easy
in My embrace

- the chorus to Audio Adrenaline's Rest Easy

It's an amazing song. It's a description of our love with, and for Christ and his love for us. The chorus is supposed to be spoken by Christ, obviously (note the "you take My grace"). Yet, the verses themselves remind me of my own struggle that often bring me running to Him.

I am such a sinner
I fear my evil ways
I fear my imperfection
I fear my final days
I just want to take control
and snap this rusty chain
and drop my heavy burdens.
It seems to be in vain

- the second verse from Audio Adrenaline's Rest Easy

I really think the part I always connected with the most was the bridge though...

I am not a bold man even though I want to be
I am just a dreamer with a timid history
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night
the world has it's hold on me and I just want to fly

- part of the bridge from Audio Adrenaline's Rest Easy

Don't you ever find yourself feeling like this? Like you want to do so much, and yet you don't know how? Like the world has you pinned down, and you can't escape it's grasp. I'm not talking about the grasp of sin here. In Christ, we are free from it. I'm talking about the grasp of fear. The fear that you might not ever make a difference in someone's life. Or maybe the fear that you will make a difference, and that it will be a bad one. I love the line: "I am just a dreamer with a timid history". In its context, that might be one of the most self-revealing lines I've ever read.

I hope I'm not alone on that sentiment. I fear being alone a lot. I often talk and feel like I must be the only person on the globe with my point of view. I love it when I find others that share it. I believe that poetry is imagery without the images, and that music is poetry without the words. That doesn't make music the ultimate form of art though, but probably the most imaginative. (this is all just me saying this) I think that, when we combine poetry with music (and get song) we are exhibiting a grand art form. A powerful art form. Art is only as important as the connection we make with it. With music and lyrics, we can often infer connections that might not even be there. I took a creative writing class back in high school. One of the most poignant lessons I ever learned was this: The writer does not create the meaning of his/her work. The audience does. That's an important thing for every creator of every art form to remember. If one looked upon all of creation as an art, then one might attempt to apply it to creation itself. Some crazy men might even try then to use creation as a yardstick for measuring God's work. I don't think that's possible. God is the perfect artist. What He wants to convery openly will be conveyed, and what he wants hidden will be hidden. (In learning a little about the Tetragrammaton, I came across a note somewhere (and I don't remember where..) stating that the name "Yahuweh" might not mean "I AM WHO I AM", but might actually mean "I WILL BE WHO I WILL BE". I don't know if that makes a doctrinal difference of any kind, but it causes me to grin everytime I make an assertion that God (YHWH) will do something based on His promises in His word...The wikipedia article on the Tetragrammatron talks about the meaning better than I could though...)

It's probably one of mankind's central fears to be alone. We reject God in our rebellion, and then cry because we realize we're suddenly alone. What foolish creatures we are! C.S. Lewis had a term he would use in his "Cosmic Trilogy" to describe someone who sinned: "Bent" They were people who "bent" the will of God to their own purposes. We all try to bend God's will. In order to live sin free, we would have to coincide with it exactly. In other words, our will would have to match His will naturally. Love for God makes that possible. Note how, in 1 John 5:3 ("This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome") God pretty much spells that out. God's commandments are His will for us and we show Him how much we love Him by following them. Therefore, everytime we sin, we are acting out our hatred for God.

I am probably getting close to proposing the fear that drives legalism, aren't I? That's not my intent. For, in Christ, we know of God's absolute love for us. We especially can know this because of how He sets us free from the law. He essentially frees us from the burden of being required to love the Father so that we might love the Father on our own volition!!! God loves us perfectly. We do owe Him our obedience, love, and sincere adoration. But, He's not interested in those things by themselves. He's interested in what they mean. Namely, that our wills are conforming to His!

It's a tricky subject, and I seriously doubt I have even an inkling of the understanding necessary to discuss it. (please, feel free to argue with me at any time on here. lol) I fear often that I might screw up in terms of "the doctrine". C.S. Lewis said that

You must not do, you must not even try to do, the will of the Father unless you are prepared to 'know of the doctrine'

- C.S. Lewis

I write a lot even when my knowledge is obviously not 100%. I think I write in spite of that fact because I don't think my knowledge will ever be 100% on this Earth. Lewis is right though. We must be careful of what we say, write, think, or do that it is inline with the will of God Almighty.

There is a tremendous lover who would like to share
His wondrous love story with all those who would care
To listen to His still small voice He doesn't like to yell
and if you stop and take a chance I know you'll hear him tell

I...your soul's friend
I...your soul's love
I...your soul's hope
I wanna be your soulmate, your soulmate

The search it will continue leading you down many roads
it seems very attractive but in truth you're very alone
It's a trick of deception of clever placed distraction
leaving your spirit earth bound, never to soar

I...your soul's friend
I...your soul's love
I...your soul's hope
I wanna be your soulmate, your soulmate...
- excerpt from Audio Adrenaline's song: Soulmate

A Poem In the Middle of the Night

With a crack and a thud
he sends two into the mud
They don't even struggle
because they're oblivious.

His croaking laughter peels out
as a child screams and shouts
for his parents didn't duck
and so they were next

I can't help but stare in awe
at this monster who's resolved
to end one pain with another.

More skulls he splits and pops
while his laughter never stops
and he consumes all of our druthers.

- by Kelly

(and it's about 5 minutes old as I post this...so, kind of rough draftish...)

The LORD hears the needyand does not despise his captive people.Psalm 69:33

I have been troubled this afternoon and evening by this. I posted about it earlier, but I didn't have time to write much, and that may have been for the best. I was angry about it.

The best remedy for a troubled soul is Christ. I have found that when I am troubled by something, a lot of two things help me: praying in Jesus's name to the Father and remembering the history of God's faithfulness through His deeds before Israel (indeed, mankind), His deeds through His Son, and His deeds through His servants by the Holy Spirit.

Being that I have been doing the former, I now find myself doing the latter. I just put 'The Passion of the Christ' into my PS2's DVD Rom, and I am now watching the scene in the garden. Watching it, ironically, reminds me of the former. Prayer is a fundamently important part of Christian life. Christ prayed very regularly here on Earth, and is praying even now in intercession on our behalf.

It's easy to forget in a culture which "values life" so deeply that we all die, and that we all face judgement. The courage with which Christ faced his death on the cross is well portrayed in 'The Passion of The Christ', and I think I put that in because I needed to remember that victory over death has already been obtained through Christ. In our culture which values life, all we see is the temporal and earthly life of this man, Abdur Rahman, and we think : "He should not die. This is religious intolerance, and that is not allowed anymore!" That's a very western idea.

I've been troubled by this all day. All evening. I'm not even sure what to pray for. If he is put to death by the government, he'll be in Heaven with Christ. If he is not, then he will either be sent out of Afghanistan, killed by the citizens (which would also result in being in Heaven with Christ sooner than otherwise), or placed into a mental institute. I think I can only agree on one of those options being truly bad: the mental institute. That also seems to be the one the government is pressing for.

So, I'm still pretty troubled by this story, but severely less so now. I imagine there are probably a lot of similar stories around the world that we never hear about. I know that God's will will be done in this matter. But, I encourage us to pray that our brother's courage will be solidified in Christ, and that no amount of encouragement by his captors and/or accusers will cause him to renounce his faith in Jesus.

The situation currently stands at, apparently, this.

But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. "Look," he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God."

At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.

Acts 7:55-60

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:11-12

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48

Abdul Rahman

Read this : Afghan Clerics Demand Convert Be Killed.

We should be praying about it. Praying for his well being. Praying for his release. They say that if the government releases him, the people will tear him apart. Then, they say he can not be sent to the west because then other people would convert so they could go to the west, too.

It's outrageous.

"Rejecting Islam is insulting God. We will not allow God to be humiliated. This man must die,"

- cleric Abdul Raoulf (I took this quote from the article above)

"He is not crazy. He went in front of the media and confessed to being a Christian,"

Hamidullah, chief cleric at Haji Yacob Mosque.

how can you say,
"let's all remain unaffected,"
when no lines were drawn
the band just marches on
and they forget you when you fall down

- PFR Them

And, reading is good...

I'm in the middle of reading "Doctor of the Happy Landings". It was written by my great-grandfather and great-step-grandmother as a series of letters to their friends, families, and supporters back at home in the states while they toured leprosariums around the world. I shared a story that they heard and recorded in it a few nights ago. I want to share another excerpt now :

We met in the laundry an unforgettable character. She was neither rich nor famous nor beautiful. She was just an old woman, weary and bent from stooping over an old-fashioned washtub, scrubbing clothes clean. We do not know her name. We could not speak her language, but it was enough that we held both her work-worn hands in ours, hands that for forty-eight years had been washing the garments of those who had leprosy. Those hands were rough and wrinkled, but they were serving hands, faithful hands, praying hands! We pray for hands like His that washed the feet of His disciples, hands to soothe those who are torn and bleeding from the roughness of life's way. It is easy to make a speech. It is easy to write a book. It is easy to be world travelers, but if our Heavenly Father should ask us to remain in one lonely, farawary spot washing clothes for forty-eight years, He would have to give us added grace to do it. This unforgettable laundry woman helped us to realize that it is not where we are but what we are that counts, and that it is not what we do but the way we do it that matters.

- Doctor of the Happy Landings by Julie Lake and Eugene Kellersberger

It's amazing to think that, just by posting this little portion here, this woman whose name we do not know will be remembered even though she is undoubtably dead by now. (this book was written in 1949) She spent 48 years watching clothes for lepors, and now a handful of readers from different parts of the world know of her. How much reward she must have in Heaven!!

"Butterfly in the skyI can go twice as highTake a lookIt's in a bookA Reading Rainbow" - from the Reading Rainbow Theme

I've been feeling very compelled to read lately, but I keep putting it off. I just noticed C.S. Lewis's "Till We Have Faces", lying and collecting dust, on one of my shelves. As I stared at it, I realized: I bought that book months ago, and I haven't touched it yet. I own a lot of books like that. So, I'm going to keep this entry short tonight (it is early still). I'm going to go out and grab me some Diet Dr. Pepper and some grub. Then, I am going to curl up in bed and lavish my eyes with the printed word. Hopefully, I can start finishing some of the books I'm on soon so that I can get in "Till We Have Faces", and enjoy it.

All that is gold does not glitter;
not all those that wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renewed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

"You ask whether I have ever been in love: fool as I am, I am not such a fool as that. But if one is only to talk from first-hand experience, conversation would be a very poor business. But though I have no personal experience of the things they call love, I have what is better - the experience of Sappho, of Euripides, of Catallus, of Shakespeare, of Spenser, of Austen, of Bronte, of anyone else I have read."

- C. S. Lewis

"And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night..." from 1 Kings 8:59

Coming home from church tonight, I was astounded. Not only that people know of this blog, but that sometimes they read it. They tell me they enjoy it! And, I found that I was enjoying talking about it, too. Which began to make me think. It's just so weird to me, when I started this thing, I wasn't going to tell anyone it existed. I was going to let it spread only by searches on Google or Blogspot. But, I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets it seems. I enjoy spilling them too much. Especially because I know I can. (Personally, I don't think almost any secrets are a very good thing at all, (excluding secrets like Suprise Birthday parties) but we all create them and have them.) So, I told a couple of friends in bible study. Then I mentioned it in passing to another friend. I didn't really start telling everybody, but apparently it was enough that I hear about it now.

Anyways, I'm not writing this to talk about hearing praise towards this blog. Or, maybe I am. You see, the thing that I was begining to realize about this was more remarkable, to me, than any of what anyone was individually saying: This place is not my own. I am truly not in charge of this blog. I pray about it. I type it. I put my thoughts and opinions into it. Yet, I should not see these writings as ultimatly mine. Maybe sometimes I forget that, and that's why I end up writing about Scrabble for a week straight. However, most of what I write on here is about God. God's word. God's laws. God's church. God's people. God's son. I would be negligent to allow, for even a moment, a single individual to think that any of this is truly mine. In fact, I think it would like plagiarism or cheating on a test in school. It's by God's grace that I am allowed to write anything even remotely meaningful here. It is my hope that God uses me to write this well. It is my hope that it entertains, comforts, ministers to, and even witnesses to those who read it. I'm not qualified to do or even write about any of these things, but if God desires it done here, then He, The King of Making Possible the Impossible, will make it so.

23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

28 "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

29 "Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

Matthew 14:25-33

So, I can not tell you how many times I've heard someone talk about this passage, and its lesson(s) about faith. Everyone always seems to say the same thing about it: It illustrates the reasons why we should not doubt.

I like another thing it says though. In verse 31 : "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him...." I like that word: Immediately. I can't tell you how the greek reads, but I can verify that it uses that word in both the NAS and the NIV. Immediately. I love it because it really shows how well God knows us. It really shows how well Jesus knows us. I wonder how far away Christ was from Peter when Peter began to sink. There was a notation in my NIV at verse 24 stating that by "considerable distance", the greek read : many stadia. I found this website which says, "The length “one stadia” is equivalent to about one-tenth of a mile." So, the boat was obviously a good distance from shore when Peter got out of the boat to meet Jesus. There's no way of knowing how close Christ had come to the boat by then, but it still says "immediately Jesus reached out his hand...". Christ knows we doubt. He knows we see the wind, and begin to fear. And, that doesn't stop him at all from catching us. Having faith is such an important thing. We are alive by faith in Christ. But, in those moments where fear blows down our doors, Christ will be there to catch us.

So, it's because of knowing that He catches us, that I am able to keep writing when all I see is wind and wave.

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,

Ephesians 1:13

And, it is because of the seal, the promised Holy Spirit, that I trust Him to safeguard me from speaking evil things. For discouragement, divisiveness, and ignorant encouragement of wrong ideas are the things I fear more than anything else in writing here. I enjoy the apparent fact that people visit here, and like doing so. But, it is often with fear and trepidation that I write, and the need to be careful with what I type becomes apparent to me every time another voice says, "Hey, Kelly, I read your blog..."

Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 12:3

"See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.

Isaiah 54:16-17

In that day they will say,
"Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

Isaiah 25:9

Therefore once more I will astound these people
with wonder upon wonder;
the wisdom of the wise will perish,
the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish."

Isaiah 29:14

And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel according to each day's need,

1 Kings 8:59

These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.Colossians 2:17

I'm sitting here, reading Colossians 2, and wondering if I've ever really read it before. I mean, it's not exactly telling me things I haven't known. Rather, I see the words in a different light after things I now know. The verse which I am now using as the title has me reeling. I already knew what I was wanting to write about. Then, I got distracted and wrote a couple of comments on a friend's blog. I quoted a lot of scripture. As I was winding down from that, I came across this verse, this chapter: "...the reality, however, is found in Christ." It matched what I had been already thinking about perfectly.

I have frequently mentioned my great-grandfather in my blog. I have mostly done this because I read a book about him recently, and am currently reading one by him and his wife. I came across this quotation in the biography on him that has stuck with me for quite awhile:

"How real the love for one's wife is, because the two are one. Often we do not experience the reality of our love for Christ in the same way."

- Eugene Kellersberger, M.D. - Doctor Not Afraid

The very first time I read that line, I reacted in an almost violent way. I don't mean violent against it. I mean violent for it. That quote shook me. I believe he's not just talking about love here, but physical reality as well. Or, maybe, that he is able to know moreso the reality of his love for his wife because of the physical reality inherent in her physical presence. This verse from Colossians shakes me again for much the same reason.

It's so easy to know the reality of things we can see, hear, touch, and (sometimes) smell. Our physical senses alert us to them. They are more than knowledge, they are palpable. Our relationship with Christ is so different. We don't see Him. We see the affects of him. We don't hear Him (with our ears I mean). We hear his words from others, and know his words through the Spirit and through His word. We can not touch Him. He is ascended into Heaven. His physical body is out of our reach for the time being. And, we can not smell Him for the same reason we can not touch Him. Our contact with Him is through the Holy Spirit.

Thus, it is hard for us to know the reality of Christ. He came to this planet 2,000 years ago! Aside from the shroud of Turin, which is questionable, what physically remains? Only He himself does, and He is in Heaven with the Father. We testify about Him by the power of the Spirit. This is why it is said that "the righteous will live by his faith" (Habakkuk 2:4, Romans 1:17, Galatians 3:11, Hebrews 10:38). So, can we know the reality of Christ by faith?

I believe the Holy Spirit cements that reality in us. But, I think it is true that we will not know the physical reality of Christ until He returns, or we die and come before Him. This is why Jesus said "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29)

"Often we do not experience the reality of our love for Christ in the same way." - E. Kellersberger

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son,

Hebrews 11:17

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow.

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Colossians 2:16-23

"Many waters cannot quench love.Neither can the floods drown it." - Madeleine L'Engle

I'm wrestling myself over what I want to write here. I had this big flippant thing written about how "funny" it was that it stormed today after I wrote about missing the rain so much the other day. Then, I read the news. At least one person died from flooding very nearby. (I'm not exactly sure where on the creek it happened, but it could be as close as a mile or two easily) I've now seen pictures on the news of a major street near my apartment that was massively flooded, too. Plus, pictures of another part of Dallas where the water got high enough that you could only see the luggage rack of an unlucky SUV that was parked in it. I feel like the world's biggest arschloch suddenly.

I think I remember writing the other day that I was missing rainfall here. I remember something about missing thunderstorms and power outtages. Well, my computer at work (which serves the counter on this blog, btw) is down (probably a power outage), and we certainly had quite the thunderstorm tonight. Maybe I shouldn't say anything about missing weather anymore... The week my parent's got married, which I believe was in April, (I always get their aniversary's confused) it was in the 90's for half the week, and covered in snow the other half. So, we could be due for an unusual blizzard at any time. *nods emphatically*

As for me today, I didn't exactly do a whole lot. I went to church, took a nap, talked for an unordinatly unusual amount of time (for these days) on the phone, and I went up to the bar tonight. Yup, I went to the bar in a pouring rain thunderstorm. They have a metal roof over their patio, and I was craving some Blacken Chicken Alfredo Pasta. (They have the best pasta I have ever had in my life) I love to sit there, with a Crown on the rocks, and listen to the rain pound away at the cieling over my head. It's a little cold doing that this kind of year (it was in the 50's today), but I enjoy it anyways. Maybe that's why I feel like such an arsch right now. I relaxed all day, and then went out and enjoyed the weather while someone else was dying in it. It kind of makes me feel out of touch with reality.

Sometimes, writing is harder than others. Usually, my blogs come easily, but, lately, I have had a lot of crazy stuff on my mind. It's been very hard to focus enough on the topics worth blogging about. Then, when I do have that focus, I end up spending it elsewhere entirely. I've just deleted several paragraphs of text for the upteenth time tonight. Why? Because my attention to the subject matter becomes so poor that what I write trails off into idiocy. I'm writing these way too late.

I'm not going to quote someone else tonight. No, it has nothing to do with the Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote I used last night. Instead, I'm going to torture with poetry. (bad poetry, probably) I wrote this one almost exactly two years ago.

With Tears In My Eyes

I grind the point of anger
and hold the spear on high
ready to strike down visciously
with tears in my eyes.

I followed all to easily
to your beck and call.
The web of lust lay easily
until the curtains fell.

Such dreams as did slumber
and feelings locked away
now awoke in grandioso
drum beats of dismay.

I see now more clearly
I grip the spear shaft tight.
I drive the honed point deeply
and twist with all my might.

- Kelly

Quotation confesses inferiority. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Letters and Social Aims", 1875

I'm tired. I have some things on my mind that I would like to write about, but I don't know how to say them yet. So, instead of saying them poorly, I figure I'll wait until God decides to show me what to say (and that could be a long while, tomorrow, or never).

I think that the quote which makes up the title of this posting causes me to want to quote scripture more.

It's hard sometimes to wait on God. It doesn't matter to me, when I'm waiting impatiently, that God knows exactly what he's doing and when to do it. I end up wanting to rush everything. I know that, by his grace, he will prevent me from rushing things too much, or heading down a road he plans for me not to head down.

It's easy to picture Paul Atreides from Frank Herbert's Dune. He had been genetically breed towards being able to see the future. Using this ability, he made himself into a king, and, in the eyes of his followers, a god. To him though, it was always about "The Golden Path". (As a side note, I'd like to alert any observant readers that I mentioned this a couple nights ago. This is a very non-christian science fiction story that draws heavily on christianity to draw it's characters along with other religions as well.) To Paul, the "Golden Path" was like hundreds of strings of possible futures....each reaching out eternally....and he forsaw, and began to plan to avoid the destruction of the human race he saw in all of them. The "Golden Path" was that one safe future.

We can't see the future like Paul Atreides could, but we try to control out futures by imagining the various possibilities. Paul didn't have God to turn to. He himself masqueraded as one, and he failed at it. We fail at it, too. Then we get mad and blame God. The truth is that there is only one God, and there is only one future. He doesn't juggle several strands to get the one He likes. He created the strand, and He doesn't have to juggle it at all.

It's easier for me to relax when I remember this. Maybe I'm pushing into the battle of Determinism vs. Free Will here. In fact, I'm pretty certain I am, but it seems to me that God always proves to me that He is in charge. I may have the perception at times to the contrary, but He has always stepped in and prevented me from going to far in my sinful ways. It kind of reminds me of the story of Abimelech (because I read something about it earlier today, and it just happens to very nicely fit in with what I'm saying...) :

But God came to Abimelech in a dream one night and said to him, "You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman."

Now Abimelech had not gone near her, so he said, "Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation? Did he not say to me, 'She is my sister,' and didn't she also say, 'He is my brother'? I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands."

Then God said to him in the dream, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That is why I did not let you touch her.

Genesis 20:3-6

It's great to remember that we have a God who is looking out for us, and will keep us on the narrow path when we seek after Him. Therefore, I propose this idea : Namely that, when we are, in full submission, striving to achieve the work of the Lord as best we can see it, we can rest assured that He will always be guiding our path, even when times are rough and uncertain, and that He will not let His servants fall into total disarray.

That might be a bold statement, and I can't vouch for the theological validity of it. (I'm no educated theologin...lol) I think it is true though.

"Oh, East is East, and West is West,
and never the twain shall meet,
Till Earth and Sky stand presently
at God's great Judgment Seat;
But there is neither East nor West,
Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
When two strong men stand face to face,
though they come from the ends of the earth!"

- Rudyard Kipling from The Ballad of East and West

Silence all, now go to sleep.The water's free, the well is deep.How can we returnthat which we never could earn?Newsboys Elle G

I can not talk in easy words about how I am doing write now. It's been, overall, another good day. One bad thing happened: A friend of mine got in a car wreck. However, she seems to be ok, and therefore that is good.

Writing a blog is like holding a one sided conversation. I write as though someone is listening, and I don't have to worry about them interupting. In a sense, that's very true, too. I guess it's more like preaching without a stage really.

I'm looking at the AFI's top 100 movie quotes of all time list. I may not agree with the order of them, but there's a good selection near the top. I just don't get number 3 at all. I've never even heard of that move, and it's got the 3rd best movie quote of all time????

This might be one of the most incoherent blog entries I've ever made. I have been in a chat with someone for a couple of hours now that has arrested all inspiration for the night away from here.

It's been a long few hours...

Therefore, I shall say this:
Red Alert 2 rocks.
Automobile accidents suck.
The rain is bubbly (although it was making me sneeze earlier)
and
I talk too much.

~ goodnight

"Here's looking at you, kid,"
- Casablanca (1942)

"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,"

- Casablanca (1942)

I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I'm comin' back here to go to college and see what they know. And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build airfields, I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I'm gonna build bridges a mile long...

- It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

Back at 'cha

Quick note :
I added a link to my friend, Dan,'s blog (that's got to be some funny looking punctuation there....I think I'll leave it) recently. I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I notice he mentioned adding a link to mine on his.

I don't want to be thought as thoughtless, so I will mimic him and point out the link I already added. :-p I just want to mention it prominently though because Dan is a much smarter and more educated man then I, and, although he seems to have less time to post to his blog than I on mine, his opinions and thoughts are far more theologically sound. (that's what he gets for studying the subject)

~ Kelly

I love it when people agree with me

If you've read my post entitled "Electronic Straightjacket for me? Please.", and you enjoyed it, read this.

I really like this section :

What other publishers do to protect their intellectual property is up to them. I simply don't [think] CD-based protection is particularly effective. Any copy protection system, in my opinion, should be focused on trying to increase sales--not stop piracy. The two aren't the same. Most people who pirate a software product would never have purchased it. It's pointless to waste time on those people. The people to focus on are the ones who might have bought your product or service but chose not to because it was easier to pirate it.

Most serious PC gamers have had cases where they've lost a CD or damaged it. They resent not being able to play the game because on top of the game using gigabytes of disk space...it's also treating their CD-ROM drive as an expensive dongle key.

lead designer and head of StarDock, Brad Wardell, in the article called "Copy protection company encourages piracy?" on Gamespot

God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his willHebrews 2:4

I was thinking a little bit this afternoon about the story I included at the end of last night's blog. It's very easily one of many similar stories that have been told the world over of God's wonderous deeds. Some people might not even see it like that, but it really is. I can remember listening to an old missionary (and I can not remember his name) talking about a time when he was in Africa, and a spitting cobra spat in his eye. There was no medicine for that sort of thing available, and there would be no cure for his blindness. Yet, after much prayer, he miraculously recovered. It's been probably over 15 years (at least...maybe closer to 20) since I heard that story, so the details, I'm afraid, are sketchy. But, imagine if you could recover and find even 1/10th of the stories similar to it in the world. How about 1/100th? 1/1,000,000th? You'd still have a lot of stories. The works of God are marvelous and wonderous. It would be enjoyable to read such stories. Growing up, my parents would read bedtime stories to us out of some old books they had. I may have to find them some day to make sure they do not vanish, for they had some of these kinds of stories. Stories about the little girl who made a late night phone call to God, about the old car that carried a family to safety even though it hadn't been able to run at all in years (It never ran again either), about families being rescued from floods, and all sorts of other inspirational and amazing things. I think some of these were from the old Reader's Digests, but I'm not sure. It would be cool to read them, and hear them again though. Stories like those tend to help a person believe in the supernatural again after all the years in which are world has stopped doing so.

I have read somewhere (I can't remember where exactly) that The Inklings was formed originally as a group who believed in the supernatural among other things. Many people have pointed out that it was not a strictly Christian group, yet their favorite kinds of writings, fantasy writings, definatly support what I read. Can you imagine a group of old fuddy-duddies getting together in pubs and old college libraries to discuss angels, demons, and other other worldly things? We would really be calling them fuddy-duddies today. (I love that word, fuddy-duddies, by the way. I was very shocked to find it actually in the dictionary. More shocked to realize I spelled it correctly the first time) Yet, out of that group came some of the most powerful works of the century. C.S. Lewis alone wrote fairly prolifically, and then you also have J.R.R. Tokien, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams, Adam Fox, Hugo Dyson (the wikipedia article on him is amusing and short), Nevill Coghill, Roger Lancelyn Green, John Wain, Christopher Tolkien, Warren Lewis, and Lord David Cecil. (That's a long list of names, but I wanted to be as thorough as possible. (You can thank wikipedia for the list, too) If you were to look at their individual works, you would find the list of those to be quite lengthy. It just amazes me that these were writers, philosophers, teachers, and thinkers who, quite frankly, be laughed at today. Possibly laughed straight out of their prestigious positions. What school today would, after all, want a teacher who believes and actively involves himself in writing about the supernatural. Christian themed supernatural even moreso! The political ideal of "seperation of church and state" has been transformed into a hefty anti-religion tool. Some would call it a weapon by which the atheists bludgeon those who would dare to believe in God.

The Spirit of the Rainforest might sway your mind if you are the kind of person who believes only in what he/she sees. It's a graphic book though. (and, once again, I will state that it totally changed my perspective on the book of Judges) So, timid readers, be warned!

I always feel weird offering people suggestions on books. It's not very often that they get and read those book. Let alone come back and talk about them. I can think only of one of my friends, a doctor, who has been good at that. I really like it when two people read the same book, and then they both come out of it with varying insights. So, talking about it is a further growing experience for them both! I kind of feel silly liking books the way I do. Maybe it's because I've never really been the "trendy" book reader. I'm not much of a fan of "To Kill A Mockingbird", and I never even read "The Great Gatsby". I have read "Lord of the Flies" though, and, also, "Animal Farm". But, I grew up reading "The Hardy Boys", and dreaming to be a detective. (I'm talking about the original original series, too. The brown backed ones which are extremely hard to find. I read the blue series, too) I then got into the Rick Brant and Tom Swift Jr. stuff, only to break out later in to full fledge science fiction. From the cheasy books expanding on the Star Wars and Star Trek universes, I went to some of the works of Timothy Zahn (Triplet was and is one of my favorite science fiction books still), and onwards to the greats like Asimov, Clarke, Wells, and Herbert. (I apologize if I'm boring anyone, but, don't forget, you can leave if you're bored. hehe) These authors and their opinions shaped much of my life as I passed out from high school and into the working world. The affects were not quite devestating. But, it took the works of C.S. Lewis and Tolkien to help me come back from the materialistic worlds these science fiction writers had created. (I didn't even mention Heinlein or any of Greg Bear's works yet) Science fiction is the mythology of our time. Except, instead of pushing pagan gods or native spirits, they push the more obviously man made gods of science and technology. When you read books like Carl Sagan's Contact, Kim Stanley Robinson's Mars series (a really fascinating story about colonizing Mars, btw), Greg Bear's "Eon", Frank Herbert's "God Emporer of Dune", and Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land", these books are not merely future based stories. These books are promises of coming imortality. C.S. Lewis was not off target at all in "That Hideous Strength", in which man attempts to, and believes he does, achieve imortality at the cost of all other life. Man means to make himself immortal, to recreate the "Tree of Life" (if that were possible). These stories are promises and scripture to those who place their trust in science and technology.

One should be careful when reading them. Even when one knows that they are going to say. I never really got it until later. I mean, I knew what the books were saying, but I just didn't realize the attack they were making on God. The attack they were making on religious belief altogether. I didn't notice the way in which they were slowly deteriorating my faith by pushing upon me a world in which there was only the natural.

Science promises a lot of answers, and it fuels patience with promises of things to come. Then, it makes claims by mathematics in which it states that it knows where we came from. Of course, there are then rival claims by rival mathematicians which claim differently (mathematics is so uncertain). These claims fuel the hope for answers, which delivers the patience by which they gain more time for more claims. They won't even entertain theories which might include God in them. The truth is, no matter how much they claim that they are disproving God by their theories, they are not doing so at all. Any one of their theories is mute entirely in a universe created by God because they instantly lack the ability to acurately observe anything at all. In any universe that has any interaction with the supernatural at all, their arguments are null and void. I know I'm not stating a new opinion. Nothing revolutionary is coming out of my mouth. So, why doesn't anyone listen? I guess people like to be in charge. They like to be in charge of their lives, and they like to be in charge of the answers to their questions, too. That's why surrendering to God's will is such an important part of being a Christian. He doesn't do things the way we want Him to. It's an acceptance of a reality concerning our "rights" that the world refuses to conceed.

I think I've ranted enough now. Today was another pretty good day. Hopefully tomorrow will run as smooth.

~ goodnight

"I wonder you should ask me whether it is essential to keep the patient in ignorance of your own existence. That question, at least for the present phase of the struggle, has been answered for us by the High Command. Our policy, for the moment, is to conceal ourselves. Of course this has not always been so. We are really faced with a cruel dilemma. When the humans disbelieve in our existence we lose all the pleasing results of direct terrorism and we make no magicians. On the other hand, when they believe in us, we cannot make them materialists and sceptics. At least, not yet. I have great hopes that we shall learn in due time how to emotionalise and mythologise their science to such an extent that what is, in effect, belief in us, (though not under that name) will creep in while the human mind remains closed to belief in the Enemy. The "Life Force", the worship of sex, and some aspects of Psychoanalysis, may here prove useful."

The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (1942)

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.

Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy.

Acts 2:17-18

But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.

Titus 3:9-11

This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.

Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 Timothy 4:9-16

Peco Salo Canal Zone

Maven, the AI computer player in Scrabble, hates us. It just scored a 74 point word : Saltiest. So wrong.

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up at a decent time, went to work, didn't have a bad day at work, chatted slightly more than normal online, took a nap, watched the Mavericks whoop up on the Rockets, watched Korea beat Japan (thus giving Team USA a chance to advance if we win tomorrow) in the World Baseball Classic, and am now playing Scrabble with Daniel while writing this.

If anyone reads my posts enough to read the occasional comments by Dan, and read me talking about playing Scrabble with Daniel, I could imagine they might assume the two are the same person. They are not. (Which is probably unfortunate for Dan since that means he misses out on the Scrabble. :-p ) Scrabble is an insanely silly game. ( I can't believe I just said that...perhaps I've had too little sleep )

Rajah makes it difficult to type. He catches me off guard, when I've just been using the mouse. He currls up next my wrist, and places his chin on top of my arm. Now, if I move, he'll flex his claws, digging them into my skin, or, even worse, is disturbed from his slumber. This is not the kind of cat whom is coached, disciplined, or trained. Rather, he trains you.

Daniel just convinced me to look up Rajah's breed online. And, we have confirmed it. Check this out! For anyone who has read any of the posts previously concerning my cat, they should recognize him as similar to the one on the left. My cat is much better looking though. Anyone reading that site will also recognize instantly the total factuality of the statement: "The biggest complaint is that they are underfoot too much!" If I had a penny for everytime Daniel's pulled the routine of picking up Rajah and carrying him just so Daniel can walk safely into the other room....well....I'd probably have a buck or two.

I've been reading a book detailing the round the world travels of my great grandfather and my great step grandmother. It's been going kind of slow because I keep failing to find the time to sit down and read it. To make matters worse, I've also been reading G.K. Chesterton's Othodoxy. (I started in on Miracles by C.S. Lewis a few weeks ago, but I grinded to a halt in that. I'll have to return to it...)

My great grandfather and great step grandmother were not idle travelers. They were actually surveying the conditions and organization of leper colonies around the world. He was the executive officer of the American Leprosy Missions at the time. Today I read a bit about 'Palo Seco'. ("Peco Seco" means "A Dry Twig" in Spanish) At the time when they visited it, it was the smallest community in the world to circulate its own currency. I found a web page that talks about the place (and their currency) a bit. It's an interesting read. Leprosy in the world today is curable. It was not back then. These Leper Colonies were essentially prisons with windows. It took a rare breed of people to work in and run these places. In fact, from what I've read, most of these places were actually being run by the lepers themselves. People were (and, in the countries that it still exists in sufficient quantity so that the people are aware of it, are) very scared of catching it. It was, after all, contagious, and, for a long time, people thought it was even more so than it is. It can no be cured, and that is good. But, for those people who have had it and suffered the terrifying rotting away of their bodies, there is no replacement for lost limbs, eyes, etc. It moves me to think about how these people had to live. There are a handful of stories of colonies in which the governments allowed them to work and thrive in peace. In most of the places around the world though, that was not the case. In this one, they were allowed to thrive, but they were not allowed to leave. Could you imagine that? I mean, what if you had lived during that time and suddenly contracted leprosy? If anyone found out, you would be going to a leper colony, away from your family and friends, for the rest of your life. There was no cure back then. That's a scary prospect. We don't treat AIDS/HIV patients that way, and yet there is still enough of a social stigma that they hesitate or even refuse to admit what they have. We're not shipping them off to colonies, but if they were as contagious as leprosy patients were, do you think we would hesitate to do so? We catalog historical fact in our brains and recite the opinions given to us by others, but how often can we connect to the mortal terrors they faced day in and day out? I shiver at the thought of it all.

Before I sign off for the night, I'd like to share a quick story my great step grandmother was told (and then wrote in this book) on that visit:

The Dean of an Episcopal Cathedral in the States lost his voice from nervous strain. He was ordered south with medical instructions not to speak a word, but to write everything he wished to say. He came to Panama, and after several weeks of rest, he visited Pala Seco. Never before had he known a parish where every parishioner was ill, nor had he ever before worshipped with a congregation all of whom were singing under physical handicaps, for leprosy frequently silences the vocal cords. "Here, truly, is singing in the rain," thought the Dean. He was exceptionally fond of music, and forgetting the doctor's orders he began to sing with the sick. With partial rest and complete forgetfulness of self, his voice had returned to him. It was as clear and as strong as ever. He returned at once to his own community where he told, far and wide, of the songs he had heard in the midst of sorrow.

The Doctor of the Happy Landings by Julia Lake and Eugene Kellersberger (p. 46)

"God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless." - Chester W. Nimitz

I've been distracted all evening working on trying to get a stupid linux program called 'ffmpeg' to convert video into quicktime files. That sad truth is that it already does this. Unfortunatly, the version I have of it does not have that feature enabled, and, in order to enable it, I have to recompile it. That means going, finding, and compiling all of the individual libraries this thing uses. It handles almost every video/audio format out there; so that is a lot of libraries. *sigh* I've given up on it for the night. I've realized what time it is. lol.

I miss the rain. I miss the classic North Texas thunderstorm that comes rolling through town, knocking out the power in random splotches one can never predict. I miss having to turn off the computers and the TVs, and light a couple candles just in case the lights do go out. I miss turning on an old vinyl, opening the patio door, and listening to the rain thunder across the concrete balcony.

That's what I do when I have the chance. Now, even when it does storm, it seems to storm only when I'm not home or when I'm asleep. (I sleep right through it, too)

I miss the smell of the rain, and watching my cat hover between boldness and fear as he senses the damp mist floating through the open patio door. (every cat hates getting/being wet) I miss the times back at my parent's house when I would go outside, and stand, smoking a cigarette, in the rain. I would be wearing a large oilskin coat and hat that would protect me and the long slender tube of tobacco I was inhaling from.

It was very peaceful on those nights. It would usually be late at night (or early in the morning), and the odds of cars driving up the street were slim. Just about the only interruption would be the occasional police SUV patrolling by. They never bothered me. It was a great time to think.

You might think from all of this that there is apparently no rain here. That's not true. Last year was just a year of relative drought. I'm suprised at how much I miss it. I often have heard of the English talking about living "the weather". I think we in Texas might be similiar in that regard. We don't have the dense and dreary fogs that they have, but, rather, we have the crazy random storms. We have the odd flooding, the occasional tornado, and the unbearable summer heat. We don't have warm summer rains. We have hot summer rains. lol.

I was talking to a friend online the other day. She made some statement in german that I, of course, did not understand. So, the ever so useful (and often incorrect) babelfish.altavista.com was invoked. I don't remember what she said in german, but, babelfish informed me that the first portion of it was "You are your ass." A suprisingly enlightening statement in a way. I mean, it's true, right? You really are your ass. But, can this statement be taken even deeper? Just what, exactly, is your ass? Aside from the obvious inference that it is a part of your body, it could also be the equivalent of a thorn in your side. If someone is an ass to you on a personal level, they are, in a sense, "your" ass. By that logic, if you are a person who is self-critical, you would be "your own ass". So, the statement can be correct. Hence, for the person who stated that, I must know, was that, in fact, an insult aimed at my person? Surely though, it must be true. I really can not deny it. I guess I am my ass.

I would be remiss if I did not mention how glad I was to hear John speak at church tonight. He was talking about Psalm 29:

Ascribe to the LORD, O mighty ones,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.

Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.

The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic.

The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.

He makes Lebanon skip like a calf,
Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the LORD strikes
with flashes of lightning.

The voice of the LORD shakes the desert;
the LORD shakes the Desert of Kadesh.

The voice of the LORD twists the oaks
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD is enthroned as King forever.

The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29

It was very fascinating, because he talked about the way in which this psalm flows together by impressing upon us the context of its imagery. It was fascinating how he pointed out to us that the imagery of God being over the waters would be symbolic of many important things to Jews of that time. For example, he talked about how the sea was something the jewish people avoided. It was a source of chaos and dread. Not only that, but the Caanite god Baal was supposedly a god of the sea. So, when David speaks of God being over the waters, he is ascribing to God both power of chaos and sovereignty over foreign Gods. As the psalm continues, David praises God for His control over the chaos of nature. God is in control. The psalm invokes heavy imagery of the power of a storm. The psalms goes further, and John did, too. I just don't have the energy to write and recall it all for you. (apologies...it was good) In the end, the message John was getting at, and the message of the psalm itself, is that God is in control of the chaos in the world. He is over and above it, and He is in charge of it.

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Mathew 6:28-30

For anyone that read my post last night, it was probably pretty obvious I've been feeling a little stressed in regards to exactly this fear: What is God doing with my life? It's funny how God will give messages to speakers at church that directly address something you've been dealing with. I guess He's reminding me who's in charge, eh?

~ goodnight

"You are your ass"

- Lili

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. "

- C. S. Lewis